Don’t ask me why I have re-re-posted this one again on my blog. Every time I read this, I crack up and can’t stop laughing. And this hilarious piece simply makes my day!
Full Disclosure: Starting this post, I have decided to highlight some of the best posts written on dogmatrix.com, a now closed project. These posts were not written by me, and I take no credit for them either. I will highlight them every now and then on this blog. This post was written by Premjit, who I believe has been the most humorous writer (if not the most) I’ve read. He has been missing in action for a long long time now. For all those who know him from his past writings will surely realize what this guy is capable of when it comes to quirky humor. This one’s for you Prem.
Worst Item Numbers of Manisha Koirala
Alternative titles to the review:-
All You Wanted to Know About Bad Dancing but didn’t Know Whom to Ask
The Frumpy Fat Faltering Frau
The Worst Dancer Whom Nobody Wants to See Dancing.
So You are a Pregnant Whale and Want to Dance, Take Tips from Manisha Koirala
Watch these and pity the Choreographers, pity the actress, and most importantly pity yourself.
Yeh Pyaar Kya Hai Kissi Ne Na Jaana Gupt
In many, no make that all of her songs, Manisha Koirala has always succeeded in making us audiences look at each other in dark auditoriums with a questioning look enquiring, “What exactly is she trying to do?” and then look back at the screen trying to find the answers, all in futility. The song opens with Manisha, out of the blue bursting onto a stage running towards the camera, thereby registering 3.4 on the Richter Scale. She displays a flourishing sense of escape seen usually in buffaloes that unexpectedly find themselves in a vast open verdant field after being kept captive for months of relentless milking in confined, dark and dingy dairy farms. She runs hither n thither ululating “aee-yaee-yaee-yaee-yaa” in a red dress with long filaments hanging from her arms, the filaments being clever ploy to divert the audience’s attention and not notice how badly Koirala’s paunch jiggles. Speaking of dance, nobody really knows what she did here. The Argentinean Tango? The Kathakalli? The Brazillian Beach Bum Mambo? The Fiesta Pavilion? The Qawalli Background Singer’s moves? Or maybe all of the above at one go? Yeh naach kya hai kissi ne na jaana.
Jhinguriya – Abhay
In this madcap movie Manisha is “Sharmili” – a cabaret dancer perpetually in a drug induced trance and is the fantasy gal of a raving maniac (Kamalhassan), who happens to attend one of her cabaret performances, and as a result of which, he simply kills her. To be more descriptive, he slashes her twice in the middle and then chops her to tiny bits. If you want my opinion, this should not be classified as an extreme reaction, as anyone would want to do that after seeing that dance. She is dressed as a cheetah, with a long tail to complete the look, and yes even some nylon bristles jutting out of her cheeks for that whiskered appearance. To add to it, she walks in a feline manner. Cats and wildcats usually have these supple aerodynamic bodies that enables them to do those typical slinky feline movements. Attempting such moves doesn’t suit a rhinoceros.
Gori Tu Chali Kahan – Khauff
When all else fails, when they have done everything in their knowledge, utilized every trick in their book to try and make her dance, when they reach the limits of exasperation and frustration, when she makes them rather contemplate that they would have been better off planting cauliflower saplings in the Thar desert than teaching her to dance, then the choreographers take the next logical step, the easiest route with Manisha Koirala- they make her do the catwalk. You would have never seen anyone so supremely disinterested in life, when you see Manisha doing the catwalk, it was as if she was pulled by her hair during one of her drinking binges and was asked to dance.
Kitna Mushkill Hai Dekho – Agnisakshi
While watching this remake of Sleeping With The Enemy, we awaited with tense and strenuous breathing, to be suitably repulsed by the lead protagonist’s tormentor husband. But what did we see instead? Dressed as an Arabian hourri, in red shimmering harem pants with large strategic cuts to show the vast and unending terrain of her expansive thighs, incidentally covered in golden tights. The duckwalk (sitting on one’s haunches with knees parallel to the ground, and moving ahead using feet only, no knees, no hands) is one of the most effective exercises taught in martial arts to improve leg agility. With twinkling eyes, random out of sync jerks of her head and an open mouthed smile which she always thought was a cute thing to do while dancing, the duckwalk is just what Manisha resorts to in the name of dancing for an audience, while going, “Kitna mushkill hai dekho, kitna mushkill hai dekho” Obviously lady, you with all your bums n thighs will surely find the duckwalk an exercise difficult and extreme, it is best to do it in small amounts and minor increments daily, definitely not for an entire song. Manisha Koirala, interestingly, is supposed to be a dancing star who gives stage performances to cheering and bedazzled audiences. I don’t know what kind of people would pay money to go see such a dancer do such a dance, its a strange world depicted here.
Dhanno Ki Aankh Sharaabi – Laal Baadshah
As Kiran the LIC agent, Manisha Koirala is in love with Lal Badshah, who is struck by her aankh saraabi, gaal gulabi and chaal mastani (dilated pupils, drunken flushes, and staggering gait). Nothing explains her behavior in this song, at one moment she is all stern and strict, snapping her fingers at the Big B, at the other moment she is coy and naughty like lil girl playing with her papa.
Telephone Dhun Mein Hassne Wali – Hindustani
Here she is the owner of Zakir Hussains tablas, which she has attached to her posterior and presents them rather willingly to that ageing midget Kamalhassan who plays a thaap or two on it to go with the lines, “Zaakir Hussain tabla tu hai kya?”
Badi Mushkil – Lajja
Sonam and Sangeeta Bijlani in Tridev, Aishwarya Rai in Devdas were some of the brave girls that actually ventured to match steps with the jhatka queen Madhuri Dixit and share the spot light with her during dance numbers. All of them suitably stood their ground sharing the screen time with Madhuri. When Manisha had to do this in Lajja, was plain embarrassment.
Saiyaan Ne Jo Meri Pakdee Na Baiyaan – Khauff
One of those typical item numbers set in a wedding scenario, suspiciously made to evoke unending comedy in this otherwise somber, sordid, and forgettable flick. To her sakhees a lusty lass reveals her game plan and proposed dire consequences to the highly probable event of her husband refusing to hold her by her arms. She threatens to drink the poison that she has stored in a bottle under her armpit, or swallow the diamond in her ring, or hang herself from a peepull tree in her backyard, or jump in a water tank in the laidback township of Jhumritalliya, and such other empty threats which regrettably she does not conduct to completion, even though the husband does not make an appearance. While viewing this song, firstly, you must pay adequate attention to her imaginative facial arrangements for each death method, and secondly, of particular noteworthiness is the manner in which she repeatedly bends down and jutts out her posterior to a particular, recurrent strain of music. As ever she is horrendously dressed, and of course dances like a paralytic snail.
All the songs from – Yalgaar
Imagine a female monkey desperately trying to shrug off ticks and louse eggs from her fur. And now imagine this very female monkey made to stand on a bed of hot coals, her prancing around to avoid her feet getting burnt. And now imagine the female monkey doing both the aforementioned activities together. That’s what Manisha Koirala does in all the songs of this movie.
Chal Kudiye Chal Othay Chaliye – Jaani Dushman Ek Anokhi Kahani
In this movie she is a college gal, a ghost, and a snake (which snake? Anaconda maybe) all at one go. In her college gal avtaar decides to have a go at more folksy dance forms like the bhangra and giddaan. She has a typical dance move when the lyrics go, “jawani cash karaange” (that’s Punjabi for- we will encash our youth) where after attempting some toe touching moves, she then gestures as if she is distributing playing cards to five people wanting to play rummy with her, immediately rising up and jiggling her succulently fleshy triceps while doing a something of a mishmash of the foxtrot and the moonwalk. Hoo boy this is so hilarious coz she even has Sunny paaji for compulsively congruent company, who does the very same moves, adding to it his “F%#@ you B%$#$% don’t make me do all this coz I have slip disc” expressions when it is his time to encash his “youth”